Before I

Before I became strong, I knew what it was like to be weak,
How difficult it is to accept yourself,
To find the wholeness that you seek.

Before I knew the light,
I have had my fair share of darkness and fright,
Where my world fell into a hopelessness,
I have failed manytimes and I have never know how to get things in line..
I didn't have anyone to to even guide me through,
I have fallen many times
but I have always tried to come up again..

 

For I have known the tears it takes,
The courage to stand up again,
When you are broken down and bruised
And you know nothing but the pain.

You forget to appreciate love and care,
If you haven't seen the hate,
Till you forget the meaning of smile and laughter,
And your heart is left abate...

I have known the strength and courage
It requires to get it right,
To face the things that hold you down
And hold your head up and fight.

Before I was who I am now,
I was someone I didn't want to be.
I was lost, battered, and defeated,

Before I know how to be me!

I am still lost, trying to figure out who or what I wish to be...
I don't know what the world's got in store for me..

Atleast I know I'll be ready!

Please stop.

You want to know what i am like?
Take a knife and cut me up
Ill make you hate me and you wont stop
Make me feel the pain within
As your slitting through my Skin
Makes me weaker as i bleed
For your mercy make me plead
Hear me screaming in the dark
As you leave your painful Mark
Blood is running down my face
As my body you erase
Trying to cut through every Vein
On your top your leaving Stains
I wish you knew i didn't care
If you hurt me everywhere
You can slit my skin apart
But you cant cut
Through my broken heart
And you can't make my love kickstart.
Please stop 

.

Often

Today I was discussing this topic with a friend and I'm finally starting to understand the true concept of privacy and I've come to the conclusion that I need to be more private with many aspects of my life, I vent too often and I open up too often about things that I should perhaps keep private at times.

I'm a very open, honest and expressive person but sadly that has been my downfall in many situations and has invited a lot of trouble to me from others (including people on here at times as well) that I wouldn't have had otherwise had I kept a particular issue to myself.

I've found that sometimes being open hasn't been helpful to me with certain issues, in fact I've gone away feeling worse rather than better, so I guess I have to be more selective as to what I open up about, where I open up, when I open up and who I open up to.

A rather thought provoking comment this friend made went along the lines of opening up can scare people off or they could  use you and even take you for granted.
I know it can and it does but as I said to her it also depends on timing and what you open up about and who you open up to.

I think I might have just worked out one of the main reasons I keep losing friends...
Often..

Words the heart can't express.

I come when pain
Becomes too much to take.
I come when you're sad,
Or your heart starts to break.
I might come when you panic,
I might come when you're mad.
I'll show up here and there,
When enough is what you've had.

I'm salty and warm,
I might be big or small.
Sometimes when you're strong,
I don't come up at all.
I fill your eyes with moisture,
I roll down your cheek.
Sometimes I mean joy
Sometimes I mean weak. 

Sometimes when you're scared,
I come as a sign of fear.
You can feel when I'm coming,
Whether far or near.
I may come along
When you hear your favorite song.
Sometimes I show up
When you've been strong for way too long. 

I know you want to run away.
I know inside you're a mess.
You long for a brighter day. 
You want to be happy without any stress.
Tears are words the heart can't express.
But When can i rest ?
Is this? at what i am best !!
Being depressed..
Overstressed?

Tonight.

Oh its strange,
Death calls on me.

She wakes me up with a plain stare
I can't believe it,
Started out on a plane
Woke up falling out of the air
They threw me out of the way
Would this nightmare cease to be?
The solid death-grip that holds tight
The strangest message that was never told right
The state of mind isn't parallel
The lines are unequal

Can you, will you speak to me, again?

The sun vanished out of your eyes
It spanned across a vast yet empty horizon
& these unknown trees & separated bones.
A controversy of these empty rows
The rules, the messages.
Don't forget your mind before nine.

Will you understand the book that I write?

It won't add up in your mind
It is impossible to subtract down the time
I've always sucked at math
I guess I'm no essay writer either
Oh well, fuck it, fuck it, fuck everything, man.
& fuck everyone!

I've just about fucked over and fucked everyone
Thirty-five plus all the others
That time has stolen from my mind
So much darkness surrounds my life.

I'll take that final step tonight
Embrace this darkness inside...

Never believe in forever please.

I don't know what happened but things between us didn't work out
All the things you said before, I now started to doubt.
Things began to fall apart
All of a sudden reality just slaps you really hard.

Our love story was magical
But now it slowly turned dull.
We both agreed to take things slow
But now you said your love for me can no longer grow.
You were my lover and all,
But you left me stranded and it made me feel so small.

What happened to us?
Was there even an us?
Yes, I have shortcomings in the way I have treated you.
But was that enough reason to leave me out of the blue?
Now i am traped in these letters and memories or you..
It's so easy for you to leave me without any explanation nor goodbyes
So i had to take a step and stop these deadly vibes,
If only you could see the pain through my eyes.
You gave me so many false hopes
And now I'm trying to unstrangle all these ropes.

I was trying to convince myself that you left me for a good reason
But then again I was wrong and now I've learned my lesson.
You replaced me instantly,
I was hurt badly.
There's nothing I can do
Because somehow I already knew.

It's like I couldn't breathe and do anything
But I am so blessed that there was a king
My Heavenly Father picked me up when I was down on my knees.
I'm so tired of taking over the wheel so I gave Him the keys.

Never believe in forever Please.

My Deceit complete.

I dismantle you little by little,
pick you apart piece by piece
as I edge you ever closer to the precipice.
Your curiosity is titillated
by the tantalizing nothings
I whisper to draw you near,
promises I never intend to keep.
I tease as we creep, and you have no clue
as to the depths of my nefarious intent
until the moment I lay my hands
on your chest and push.
Your hands catch, grasp tightly.
So I lean forward and gift you
with one last kiss
before I stare into your eyes
as I peel them from the surface.
Laughter pours forth
as I witness your fall
from high above.
I turn and walk away,
my deceit complete.

Aww Don't weep.