Sunday, 24 January 2016

Let Me fill my ink In you.

I was a chronic depressive.  Prior to me going on a constant regimen of anti-depressants (well, I only use take one, but still…), you could say that my moods were very much bi-polar in nature.  I would have extreme high moments where I was hyper, giddy, just all around silly.  Then I would crash.  Extreme low moments where I would be overwhelmed with despair.  If you charted that on a graph, you would see peaks and valleys with nothing in between (much like a sine wave).  Now that I’m on an anti-depressant that works for me, that trend is evened out a lot.
     One thing a depressive tends to forget is that the people around them have minds and can make decisions on their own.  What I mean is that depressives become acutely aware of how their moods must affect the people around them (without actually knowing since it’s a don’t ask don’t tell situation).  I’ll give an example to illustrate what I mean.
     A young man is going through a period of depression.  He has a dear friend that makes him happy; they get along; they have a lot in common, etc.  However, after awhile, the depressive starts thinking how they must be awful company for this friend being down all the time.  Then the depressive feels bad about what they’re doing to that friend so they start pushing them away; all without even uttering a word about this to the friend in question.  What the depressive forgets is that if the friend didn’t want to be around them, they wouldn’t be.  They can make up their own mind about how they want to spend their time.
     If this isn’t stopped at the point where it starts, it becomes a trend, a habit.  No matter how many wonderful people the depressive might meet, they’ll continually push them away or keep them at arms’ length on the misguided notion that it is better for them not to be near.
     This creates a bigger problem: the problem of self-worth, or the lack thereof.  The depressive will push people away arguing to themselves that it is the right thing to do so that they can be happy only to, later, feel such a profound loneliness and harbour feelings of worthlessness that it becomes debilitating.  Even if the depressive didn’t have self-worth issues before, they end up with them and, more often than not, are also the cause.  Unfortunately, it’s something borne out of ‘good intentions.’
     A depressive (myself included, of course) needs to remember that they can’t make decisions for other people.  It isn’t up to us to decide if we’re good for that person or not.  Just because we suffer from depression, it doesn’t give us the right to determine how our friends should or shouldn’t spend their time.  We should be grateful that they want to spend it with us – not drive them away out of some brain damaged notion that we know what’s best for them.  We don’t even know what’s best forourselves!
     The end result is that depression begets loneliness which begets depression which begets loneliness…
I had to share this because today a friend of mine is in the same situation I was I need to help him I need to infect him with my words and remove his infection with my ink-Fection.
Get infected,
understand yourself build yourself.
Talk to me. If anyone of you Is ever depressed  call me.
-Vaibhav Nagesh.

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